The Other Shoe
by Melchy
Summary: Carolyn reveals a long kept secret to Captain Gregg about her past. Will it hurt the relationship they have so carefully cultivated up to this point?


_The Other Shoe_

_Rating T to be safe._

_Disclaimer: I make no money from this work, just a great deal of satisfaction. The characters belong to 20__th__ Century Fox. _

_I understand that some may not approve of this story, but it is one I became obsessed about writing. A dear friend wrote a story where the Captain learns of Carolyn's late husband's infidelity. Which got me to thinking. _

While she had been happy to have her in-laws there for the weekend, she had to admit she was happier to see them go. It was nice to say they had been there and know they wouldn't be back for a while. She hoped the while would be a good one.

It's not that she didn't like them, but through her experience of knowing them she found they were better to take in small doses. Her mother-in-law was dear woman, even if she did tend to be a bit snobby and Carolyn was fond of her. If she hadn't loved Bobby so much, she never would have put up with Ralph. He was boorish, egotistical, always thinking he was right, and he had an opinion on everything, including how they should have lived their lives. Still it had been nice to see them. The fact that they still thought of her as a daughter was comforting in some way. And the fact that they didn't seem to be upset at the thought of her remarrying was good as well. If she ever really decided too, hopefully they wouldn't change their mind.

Ralph was good at changing his mind except of course when you would really like him too, she thought with a sigh. And she was slightly worried that he thought that Claymore Gregg would make a good husband and father just because he reminded him of his favorite boyhood book! The day she would marry Claymore would be the day she would allow herself to be committed at Bellevue or wherever one was committed around here. Feeling the laugh bubble up that she didn't try to stop, she giggled over the thought for several moments, until the Captain popped in to ask was so infernally funny.

"Just a private joke between me and myself." she answered him, not bothering to point out that he looked as though he had indulged in a chuckle or two as well. "Why are smiles so infectious?" she asked him as she kicked off her shoes and sat down on the bed.

"I wasn't smiling" he defended, but his eyes were twinkling madly as he took the desk chair. "I'm glad to see you in such good humor my dear. I wasn't sure what with the circumstances of the weekend." he shook his head.

"Don't you give me that." She challenged him. "You are very proud of what happened and your place in it. But honestly Captain I can't thank you enough. Even though my in-laws think that I would actually marry a man like Claymore."

"Surely they know you well enough to realize that you would never even be interested in a man like that. And I use the term man quite loosely." he grinned.

"Be nice Captain." she shook her head. "Claymore can't help being Claymore, it's just who he is. As for knowing me, I think Ralph only knows himself." _And I doubt either one of them really know who I am_ she thought. _And maybe that is for the better_.

"Well, I think I will make sure we are secure and then take up watch on the bridge." the ghost said. "So pleasant dreams Madam."

"Thank you Captain". She gave him a smile. "And thank you for watching over us."

"That is my pleasure. " He bowed from the waist and Carolyn's heart kicked up a notch.

"I think I'll get ready for bed then go through the folder of things Marjorie brought with her from Philadelphia. The manila envelope had a number of letters inside, most of them being things sent to Carolyn at either her in-laws or parents address when she was still getting settled after her husband's death. "Just in case there was something important." the other woman had said.

"Then I wish you happy reading." he said and with a smile disappeared from the master bedroom.

Carolyn couldn't help but smile as she readied for bed, brushing her teeth and glad to get the makeup off her face. Finally sinking into the soft mattress, she pulled the covers up and reached for the letters. Life had been so hectic for the last couple of years it was nice to not be in such a rush anymore. It was hard to believe that two years ago, her husband had still been alive and they were renovating a town house they had built in Georgetown near the university. Things had been good there. Bobby had worked for the government and she had tutored college students and wrote freelance. Candy and Jonathan had loved their new place and had a myriad of friends.

Then everything had fallen apart when Bobby was killed and everyone thought they knew better than Carolyn about what she should do. Getting through the funeral, the reading of the will, selling the house and remembering that her husband of seven years wasn't with her anymore, had been enough for her to deal with. But she had decided that maybe her in-laws were right and she should return to Philadelphia . After all Bobby was being buried there and it would free her from some memories she'd rather not be tangled with. She couldn't admit it to too many but their life had actually started falling apart before his death. It was amazing how one seemingly innocent thing could change your world forever. You could put things away from your mind, but they never really went away.

She went through the mail; smiling in fond recollection of the bakery they had bought cookies from and the gas station that was offering a free tune-up with a full tank of gas. Looking at the coupon she saw it had expired a year ago. But she knew if she drove into Mr. Henderson's garage with it today, he would allow her to use it. So many of their friends and relatives had wondered why they stayed in Washington D.C., saying it was a hostile jungle. That was because they didn't know it, she thought.

Most of it was junk, or companies she had since informed of her moving, not once but twice in the past two years and was up to date with them. She sighed when she saw the bill for Bobby's gym membership. It seemed like a lifetime ago.

Flipping through a couple of magazines, she decided to throw everything else away and that's when she saw it. A small envelope addressed to her. The handwriting was somewhat cramped and devastatingly familiar. With an unsteady hand she opened it, pulling out an even smaller piece of paper, taking a deep breath before she read the note.

Tears sprang to her eyes as she did so, and she suddenly felt weak. Why hadn't she found this before? But if she had what would she have done about it? At least this way she could truthfully say she had known nothing about it. There was nothing she could do about it now and that's how it should be.

She got up and threw everything away; meaning to throw it away too, but something stopped her. Did she enjoy punishing herself this way? Apparently so. Because not only did she read it one more time but put it in her desk drawer. There it would be safe she thought, safe from the outside world and know one would ever have to know what it meant. And everyone could go on thinking she and Bobby had been eternally happy. Everyone including Bobby.

The clock struck 1:00 when she found herself walking back to the desk, the cold floor making her feet feel almost frozen, the air seeping up under her night gown. She sat down and slowly pulled the drawer open and retrieved the envelope with the message inside. She should burn it she thought. That way the words and what they contained would float out on the breeze and into the sky and be forgotten forever. That way there would be no way to trace anything to what had happened. But that idea didn't make her feel any better. Slowly she made her way back to the bed, pulling the covers up over her head, thinking this would be a nice place to stay for all eternity.

She felt the Captain's presence before she saw him and wondered briefly if she was getting better at knowing he was there or was he getting sloppier in his comings and goings. She doubted it was the second one.

"Can't sleep my dear?" he asked going over to his telescope. She was used to his popping in now, actually laid in bed at times pretending to be asleep so she could watch him do so. But she almost wished he hadn't shown up tonight. Because then she would have to pretend that everything was fine. Except he apparently already knew that it wasn't. Was he so eternally perspective?

"No," she shook her head, sitting up, not caring that the covers fell down, exposing her almost bare shoulders to the air. She pretended not to notice the way his eyes lingered for a moment. "I'm tired but I just can't seem to sleep."

"I imagine it could be due to all the excitement of the last few days," he said. He turned the telescope, adjusting it from where Jonathan had had it earlier in the day. "Nice night." he murmured. "Lots of stars."

"I suppose so. ' She nodded. "Ralph and Marjorie have a tendency to do that to a person." she smiled. "My husband used to say that he needed a week vacation just to recover after they came to visit."

"I think we all have relatives of that variety. " He grinned, before turning back to his sky gazing. Several long minutes passed. "Or it could be that letter you're holding on to for dear life."

Carolyn looked down to see he was right; she was gripping the paper much harder than it need be. Giving a light laugh, she shook her head. "I didn't realize I was."

"Must be something rather important." He was fishing for details now and she wasn't going to let him catch anything.

"I guess so." She smiled, but not convincingly. "Or at least it might have been at one time." She bit her tongue knowing she had already said too much. "You know. " she hedged.

"Perhaps." He walked over to the desk, sitting down in her chair. "I can tell it greatly upsets you. If you want to talk it over with someone." he stopped but the words he didn't say came through clearly. This last weekend she had assured him that he was part of their family. But surely she had just meant part of the children's family hadn't she? She hadn't meant for herself, had she? And even if he was, did she really want him to know this? What would he think if he knew?

"It upsets me because it's a reminder of what kind of life I had before and makes me wonder if I was really truly happy. Because if we had been, then I don't think this would have happened. But then again, I look back at the life, we had--me, Bobby and the kids and we were perfectly happy. I mean he was often busy at work and he did have a lot of late nights and unexplained absences, but what can you expect when you work for the government? We loved each other, that I know and we were, I guess you can say content with one another. Very much so. But if it had been enough." She waved the piece of paper in front of her face. "I wouldn't be reading this right now."

"Mrs. Muir." His voice grew quiet and had a hint of anger in it. It was enough to make her shiver. "Please tell me true. Did he have a dalliance with another woman?" He asked the question as though he would break every bone in Robert Muir's body if the man had still been alive.

She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. This was not easy. Choking back tears and fighting the urge to laugh, she looked up at the Captain, knowing if she didn't say this in one breath she wouldn't say it at all.

"No, she said softly. It wasn't Bobby. He was a good man and a faithful husband."

"Then, I don't understand," he interrupted, because he couldn't help it.

"I was the one that dallied." She paused letting the words sink in. "I had an affair."

"Madam." was all he said, his tone unreadable, but his hands were balled into fists. He sat there quietly for sometime, and then turned. "Was he mean to you? Did he beat you or treat you wrongly?"

"No."

"Did he become over engaged in his work, or take you for granted?"

"Not really. I mean every married couple tend to take one another for granted and his work did take a lot of time, but no, it wasn't really that."

"Then why? If you were happy and he treated you well and you said you loved him, then why would you be with another man?"

"I don't have an excuse," she said simply. "It wasn't something I had planned on and certainly wasn't expecting. I loved my husband and that never changed. I saw the signs and knew the symptoms, but I didn't stop it, I let it happen."

"So, it was your entire fault?" She couldn't tell from her voice whether he was angry or intrigued. Or both.

"No, not entirely. I mean the man did have something to do with it. But, I had the ability to stop it and I didn't. I let myself fall."

"Did, your husband have any notion?"

She knew that question was coming and still it hurt to hear it.

"I don't think so." She shook her head. "He was going through a busy time at work and would apologize for being gone a lot. He said it was up to me to keep the home fires burning."

"But you were out, burning someone else's fire." The Captain said dryly."

"You do have a way with words." she couldn't resist and was sorry the minute she said it, but he didn't seem to be upset, but rather settled himself further into the chair and looked her directly in the eye.

"So, what kind of man was it that took your attention away from the great Bobby Muir? Or at least according to his father."

"He was one of the students I tutored." she said slowly, letting those words sink in. "We met under unusual circumstances and I was tutoring him to help him pass English. Georgetown was the 4th school he had been too and he was getting a lot of flack from his uncle. He was a deeply intelligent man, thoughtful and caring. But so was Bobby." she gave him a wary smile. "I can't really explain it."

"He was a student at the university?" Daniel asked more than curious.

"Yes, he was in his junior year."

"Precisely how old did that make him?"

"20." she said quickly.

"You had an affair with a twenty-year old lad?"

"I was 31 and I did have an affair with a 20 year old man. Lee was 20. It wasn't his fault. He acted and seemed much older, not that that probably matters. But I never really thought about the age difference. He was just wonderful to be with and I truly started to care for him."

"Which means in the beginning." the seaman's voice trailed off.

"Yes, it was mostly physical." and she knew her face was bright red.

They sat there in silence for some time, the air not as heavy with dread as she might have thought.

"And your husband never knew?"

"No." She shook her head and started to cry. Lee and I had discussed it just a couple of days earlier and we had decided it was probably for the best. He knew that I wanted to make things right with my husband and he understood that. It was something we agreed upon together. And I was relieved because I knew I wasn't being fair to either one of them the way things stood. But then um, Bobby died the next day and he never knew. I wanted to tell him so badly and I just can't believe that fate was so cruel. We would have worked it out." He floated a Kleenex over to her and she took it gratefully.

"I'm very sorry my dear."

"Captain." she started to say, but knew she really had nothing to add to it.

"Well, I'll bid you good night Madam and I hope you find some sleep before morning." He stood up, giving her a brief smile and then disappearing from view. So, he had left her alone but she didn't blame him. Now, he knew exactly what kind of woman she was.

She laid the note under her pillow and then lay down, rolling over, grabbing the other pillow. She had allowed herself to fall into the temptation and she had enjoyed it. Closing her eyes, she could still clearly see his green ones, eyes that had looked at her with tenderness and a good case of lust. Eyes that weren't easy to pass up. She had always been entranced by men and their eyes.

She hadn't meant to let it happen, but it had anyway. He had surprised her by having a good head on his shoulders and being a deep thinker. It wasn't that her husband was not, she just didn't expect it from someone, well, someone so young. He had tired to act tough and that he didn't care about anything but she had seen a softer side to him, and it had drawn him to her. Not to mention he was a great kisser and was built quite nicely. But after awhile, that wasn't what was important. And when she had realized she was starting to care for him beyond that he graduate or find himself she had known it was time to end it.

She pulled out the note and read it again. It was nothing incriminating or anything that would give any kind of clue as what their relationship had been. And yet it had opened a floodgate of emotion for her.

_Carolyn,_

_I heard about your husband. I am so sorry. Please let me know if there is anything I can do. _

_Lee._

That was it. Just like Lee, it was short and simple and to the point. The note must have arrived in the first few days of confusion and gotten put in the pile of mail to go through later. Anyone seeing it would have assumed it was another condolence card, which in a way it was. There had been so much to do, planning a funeral, coordinating with the cemetery and chapel in Philadelphia, gathering up Bobby's things, putting the house up for sale, trying to comfort the kids, trying to realize he would never be coming home again.

She had always felt bad that she had never seen Lee one more time, to explain to him what had happened. Yes, they had agreed to end their relationship, but as far as he knew she had just disappeared without reason or explanation. At least now, seeing this note, she knew that had heard and he understood. And she was glad of that.

But that was just a part of the guilt that she had lived with these last two years. If only what she had done to Bobby could be as easily wiped away. Grieving for a lost husband was made twice as hard when you knew you had betrayed him. Her guilt had consumed her to the point where she couldn't look at pictures of her husband or their early times together and she rarely spoke of him_. Because I can't stand what I did to him. _She did know that if she were ever blessed with the love of a man again, she wouldn't mess it up this time.That had always been her problem, she didn't know a good thing when she had it, because she somehow felt that maybe she didn't deserve it. Her father said it was her worst fault. She tried to sleep but a million thoughts were crowding through her head--things she had been avoiding for the last two years came crashing back. And knowing that Captain Gregg now hated her was the worst part of all.

Captain Daniel Gregg stood out on his widow's walk, his stance seaward, and his mind in deep thought. As he was want to do, while thinking, he stroked his beard with his forefingers, trying to process everything Carolyn Muir had told him. And he had to admit; it was more than he had bargained for.

Carolyn Muir was he knew without a doubt that most wonderful woman that had ever darkened his door. He knew almost immediately that she was special and it didn't take much longer for him to realize that she was his soul mate. He had never once been sorry for the soliloquy he had given to her at the end of her first night in Gull Cottage and he never would. He loved her and wanted nothing more to be hers and she his.

But of all the things she could have told him about herself, that was probably the least one he was expecting. He had known when she arrived that she was struggling with parts of her past, and he had carefully not inquired, as he first of all wanted her to give him the same courtesy and he didn't want her to feel she couldn't trust him. They had grown in to an easy, casual relationship, one that he was enjoying very much. The fact that he did indeed love her and knew she was his missing link was one he hoped he could hide fairly well as he didn't want to spook her. She seemed uneasy in the discussions of love and well now he knew why.

Poor Carolyn. He couldn't even imagine the agony she must have gone through, keeping such a secret this long. He did not doubt her when she said she loved her husband dearly, but he knew from experience that often love wasn't enough to keep one from straying. Had he not been entangled with more than one woman who had also loved their spouse? While he had never actually sought a married woman, it certainly wasn't his fault if one enticed him and then told him she was otherwise occupied was it? Love was a very hard road to navigate. And it seemed to be much worse for women. He knew that Carolyn would murder him for this thought, but it was true, they were so much weaker then men when it came to such things.

A ripple out on the water drew his attention and he stood in awe as he watched a giant seabird bury its beak deep inside the waves, being rewarded for his work. After several minutes, the bird spread it's vast wings and flew away, the captain wishing him fair journeys. Sometimes he wished he were a bird, able to take off a moment's notice. But he was sure even birds had worries and cares.

Several things that had come up in the short time he had known Carolyn Muir now made sense he thought. Like the fact that Mr. Muir's name was rarely mentioned. (Which was just fine with him, he didn't like to be reminded she had ever belonged to anyone else.) Sure he had overheard the children talking about him from time to time but little from Carolyn herself. He had thought it odd but know knew it was a mixture of grief and guilt. Why was it those two seemed to go hand in hand so often?

He did have to hand it to her however, even though she had suffered this flaw in her own marriage she still wanted others to find their partners and be together. Too bad the men she had picked in both cases hadn't deserved the women in question and the entire matchmaking process had been a total washout.

Oh love could be such a mess. He thought using a word he had picked up from the children. Until he had met Carolyn he had fairly well decided that it wasn't something easily accomplished and that trying to stay faithful wasn't worth the time. But if things were different and he was an actual man, he knew that other women would be dead to him, with Carolyn Muir as his. Was he now afraid that she might be unfaithful to him? Nay.

Ah, love. What even was it exactly? A strong feeling, a want to be with someone forever? A powerful emotion to be sure, but one that no one seemed to understand. Even he, although he would admit it to very few.

He sat watching the waves for several more minutes, imaging setting the Destiny to sail, the wind blowing in his hair and the smells of salt, pitch, sweat, beer and ink all running together. Pure heaven. No, he wasn't angry with Carolyn, actually he understood. She did what many have had done before her , what he had done himself—knowing that things were good but always wondering if they could be better. And actually he was glad that it had not been her husband, but herself. Carolyn most definitely wasn't the vulnerable wronged woman type. He chuckled, thinking of her allowing such a thing. That woman ran a taut ship. It was one reason they got along he thought.

The sun was rising and he knew she would be awake soon. He also knew that she be filled with dread, awaiting his reaction. Well it should start with a cup of coffee.

000000000000000000000000000000

She woke up feeling groggy, the pain in her head akin to a hang over. Try as she might, she couldn't sleep and when she did it was full of dreams. Each one had started the same and ended up with Captain Gregg coming to tell her how she disgusted him, how she could no longer be trusted. "Like he was an angel." She said to herself in the mirror. Blast decorum and his Victorian mind.

She did a hasty toilet, picking a dress for comfort rather than how it looked and sat down at her typewriter. She had an hour before the children had to get up to leave for school and maybe she could get her article done by then. A new thought took form and she started typing. But she found herself pausing every few minutes and as much as she didn't want to admit it she was waiting for him. Would he ever talk to her again? Yes it had been a mistake. A big mistake, but no one was perfect. As much as she didn't like to admit it, she was very human. "Oh blast it Captain." She called out loud.

"Good morning my dear." He appeared before her, steaming cup of coffee extending in her direction. "Sleep well?"

She took the coffee gratefully, taking a long drink, not sure how to take this.

"Not well?" he continued without her saying anything. "I'm sure the coffee will help. And it's to be a nice afternoon perhaps a walk along the beach later."

"Perhaps". She nodded, starting to feel more like herself already.

"Fine, then. How is the article coming along? Anything I can do?"

She pulled what she had written from the typewriter and gave it to him. 'Captain, I just wanted to tell you, about what I…"

"I think you should move this paragraph to the front", he said, "and then put the ending here." He handed the paper back and winked at her.

Relief flooded her heart and she smiled.

"Thank you Captain. I believe I will. It will read much better that way."

"Yes, indeed."


End file.
